Shady Springs Region Final: (1) Greg Ostertag vs. (2) Jeff Hornacek

Off to the final of the Shady Springs East Region we go. This matchup is a battle of 1990s Jazz legends in Greg Ostertag and Jeff Hornacek. The winner heads off to beautiful Farmer City, Illinois to take on the winner of the Provo, Utah Region between John Stockton and Chris Mullin. Just like the 1st round, votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Greg Ostertag
(click name for highlight video)
College: Kansas
Years in League: 1995-2005
Teams: Jazz, Kings

Oh. my. goodness. Where to begin with Greg Ostertag. The crafty one seed out of the Shady Springs regional is the first player featured in the tournament who quite frankly swings and misses on the concept of talent. Known around the league as "Postertag" for getting posterized so many times in his career, this 7'2" menace rocked the #00 with pride for the majority of his career alongside many other great whites in Utah. From his laser precision flat top to his tattoo of Fred Flinstone dunking on his calf, Greg Osterag practically screams white. One columnist noted after a game in 1999, "You couldn't slide a credit card under 'Tag's' vertical leap." Off the court, Greg was allegedly just as much of an animal and even landed himself a picture on Playgirl Magazine. Averaging nearly as many turnovers as points throughout his career, Ostertag will be remembered as perhaps the whitest man to not only play in the NBA, but to ever step foot on this earth.



Jeff Hornacek
(click name for highlight video)
College: Iowa State
Years in League: 1986-2000
Teams: Suns, 76ers, Jazz

How white is Jeff Hornacek? Burnside once said that he "looks like the old guy that nobody wants on their church league team." Apparently nobody wanted him on their college team, so the Iowa State Cyclones were lucky enough to have him work off. He made the rest of the country pay though, especially the Miami Redskins, who he beat with an Onions worthy buzzer beater in the NCAA Tournament, and the second seeded Michigan Wolverines, who he knocked off to send the Clones to their first ever Sweet Sixteen. He never really peaked until 1994 when he packed his bags and headed for Salt Lake City. Although Hornacek never could bench press as much as Aaron Carter, he made impact in the league because of his shooting and fundamental play. This even landed him a spot on the Utah Jazz coaching staff once he retired, and some are speculating that he will be named head coach at the end of the year. He once made 67 free throws in a row (each christened with his trademark cheek touch), won the three point contestant twice, and even took home the trophy for the NBA-WNBA Tag Team Two-Ball Challenge along with Natalie Williams of the Utah Starzz (no, that's actually how it was spelled). Straight from farm country to Mormon country, this white boy used fundamentally sound basketball to cement himself as an immortal in Jazz country. Hold on, I think I hear Don "Moose" Lewis calling him up right now.

Provo Region Final: (1) John Stockton vs. (2)Chris Mullin

To the 2nd round/Elite 8 we go! This Provo Regional final pits two of the most dominant players of the 90's. The winner of this short shorts duel will advance with a coveted spot in the Final 4 which will be hosted by the beautiful city of Farmer City, Illinois. Just like the 1st round, votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.



John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.

Richmond Region: (2) Steve Kerr vs (3) Kyle Korver

Our second matchup in the Richmond-South Regional and FINAL matchup of the entire first round is beyond intriguing. This battle features the 2 most accurate 3-point artists the league has ever seen, and they just so happen to both conveniently be white. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.

Steve Kerr
(click name for highlight video)
College: Arizona
Years in League: 1988-2003
Teams: Suns, Cavs, Magic, Chicago Bulls, Spurs, Trail Blazers

Long story short, Steve Kerr is an absolute stud. Kerr was minimally recruited out of high school because he "could not jump" and was "two steps slower" than other players his position. Minor details though, Steve had one pure jumper. So pure in fact, he shot .454 from three point range over his career and is the all time leader in three point field goal percentage in NBA history. Additionally, Kerr is a five-time NBA champion, and the only NBA player to win four consecutive championships in the last 30 years. When Steve was 18, his father was assassinated in Beirut. Perhaps this served as motivation for his own assassin's mentality from long range. A lifetime role player, Steve gave white people around the world hope that it is possible to be an undersized, slow, unathletic white guard in the NBA, and he's got 5 rings and NBA record books to prove it.



Kyle Korver
(click for highlight video)
College: Creighton
Years in League: 2003-Present
Teams: 76ers, Jazz, Bulls

You know Kyle Korver is checking in when you hear a loud, high-pitched scream erupt from every woman in attendance. This 6'7 god of a man from Pella, Iowa has become a favorite among white guys everywhere, although probably not as much as he is among white girls. The Ashton Kutcher look alike has made a business knocking down long range shots in the league. A cold blooded shooter, Korver repeatedly knocks down clutch jumpers everywhere he goes. As a matter of fact, last season he broke his opponent Steve Kerr's record for three point shooting percentage in a season. And how about the athleticism? Yeah, he's got that covered also. And for his whiteness? His hobbies include ping pong, bowling, horseshoes, croquet, pool, Frisbee golf, and dodgeball. Its not every day you see an Ashton Kutcher look alike who plays Frisbee golf going around breaking NBA records. Enough said, vote Korver.

Richmond Region: (1) Rik Smits vs (4) Bryant Reeves

On to the South Regional we move into what experts claim to be the toughest region to win. Bracketologists near and far were not shy to pull the upset alert alarm for this showdown of some of the NBA's finest white trees of the 90's. The winner will go on to face the winner of tomorrow's matchup #2 Steve Kerr v. #3 Kyle Korver. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.

Rik Smits
(click name for highlight video)
College: Marist
Years in League: 1988-2000
Teams: THE Indiana Pacers

Well if it isn't the Dunking Dutchman. Standing at 7'4" this tower of a white man is one of many great whites to wear a Pacers uniform. Short shorts, high black socks and a bulky knee brace were part of Rik's standard wardrobe, and boy did he ever look white. While dunking was never an issue for this menace of a man, Rik is most notable for his lethal mid-range jumper (the ultimate white man's specialty). In more accurate measurements of his intangibles, a Rik Smits jersey routinely sells for a triple digit price tag on Ebay, and the man has a rap song named after him. Needless to say, white boy swag has never been an issue with Rik Smits.


Bryant Reeves
(highlight video above)
College: Oklahoma State
Years in League: 1995-2001
Teams: Grizzlies

Looking at this guy, it's hard to think that he was once a halfway decent basketball player. Dubbed "Big Country" by a teammate at OSU while traveling on an airplane for the first time ever, Bryant Reeves one of the whitest men on the planet. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he had never even seen a black person until he got to Oklahoma State. Just like you would expect, he lives on a ranch, got married on a farm, listens to Garth Brooks, and lists hunting and fishing as his favorite hobbies, along with destroying backboards and getting dunked on. Although you wouldn't expect it with his goofy appearance and Bobby Boucher resembling voice, he was actually pretty good until weight problems derailed his career, averaged double digits his first four seasons. Unfortunately, though, Burger King called and Big Country had to answer. Regardless, he is still a god among white people, as his teal Vancouver Grizzlies jerseys often sell for several hundred dollars on eBay.

Mack Region: (2) Shawn Bradley vs. (3) Scot Pollard

Our 2nd matchup in the Mack, OH regional is a clash of two white oafs. The winner will advance to the final of the Midwest Region (where they will inevitably lose to Brent Barry). We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Shawn Bradley
(click name for highlight video)
College: BYU
Years in League: 1993-2005
Teams: 76ers, Nets, Mavericks

Adjectives used to describe Shawn Bradley: gigantic, bitch, white. The 2nd overall pick in the 1993 draft, Bradley will always be remembered as a poster boy for white players. Measuring in at 7'6" watching him play was nothing short of comedy. While the above highlight video provides a glimpse into that aspect, Shawn also was practically a human fly swatter. Among some of his whitest attributes, Bradley attended Brigham Young University and lists his favorite movie as Dances with the Wolves. As far as swag, nothing does wonders for this quite like a star role in the greatest movie of all-time, Space Jam. While sure people are quick to label Bradley as one of the biggest busts in the history of sports, white men near and far will never be ashamed to salute our gentle giant of a brother.


Scot Pollard
(click name for highlight)
College: Kansas
Years in League: 1997-2008
Teams: Pistons, Kings, Pacers, Cavaliers, Celtics

Known for his rebounding and hairstyles, this Utah born big man is as white as they come. His strengths on the court include grabbing boards and then immediately passing it out before he does anything stupid. Nicknamed "Samurai Scot" while playing for the Kings, Pollard grew out countless different hairstyles including a mohawk and double ponytails, which he often complimented with a handlebar mustache and long sideburns. This earned him numerous comparisons to a white Dennis Rodman. He also enjoyed breaking out obscure jersey numbers, including number 66 with the Celtics because "the NBA wouldn't let me wear three sixes." He is also remembered for his positive influence on young children who watched him play. One thing we constantly give credit for in this tournament is a players ability to stand out. John Stockton wore short shorts with pride. Keith Van Horn brought back the high socks and Brent Barry had his black man hops. Now its time to give credit to a white man with ridiculous hair. Vote Pollard.

Mack Region: (1) Brent Barry vs. (4) Mike Miller

FINALLY! The region you have all been waiting for which just so happens to feature my pre-tourney pick to bring home the title. Our first matchup of the Mack, Ohio-Midwest Region features two long-haired whities, each known for their aerial attacks in different respects. The winner will advance to the final of the Midwest Region. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!

Mike Miller
(click name for highlight video)
College: Florida
Years in League: 2000-Present
Teams: Magic, Grizzlies, Timberwolves, Wizards, Heat

The fifth overall pick in the legendary 2000 NBA Draft, Miller has actually outshined everyone else from that first round, including the legendary Stromile Swift, Marcus Fizer, and DerMarr Johnson. This South Dakota native wasted no time making a name for himself by being named Rookie of the Year. He is best known for raining threes, dramatically flopping every time he drives to the basket, and being called an "unathletic white guy" by LeBron James. Miller's signature has always been his hair, though. He followed in the footsteps of John Stamos and Kenny Powers by effectively rocking a mullet for most of his career. As for his swag off the court, he is the owner of a pet monkey. An unathletic white guy from South Dakota with a mullet? The NBA certainly needs a few more of those.

VOTE!!

Shady Springs Region: (2) Jeff Hornacek vs (3) Jason Kapono

Our second mactchup out of the Shady Springs-East Region features a show down between two of the premier sharpshooters of their respective eras. The winner will face either Greg Ostertag or Keith Van Horn in the East Region final. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Jeff Hornacek
(click name for highlight video)
College: Iowa State
Years in League: 1986-2000
Teams: Suns, 76ers, Jazz

How white is Jeff Hornacek? Let's start with the fact that he was a walk-on for the Iowa State Cyclones. His college career was highlighted by an onions worthy game winner against the Miami Redskins, and an upset of second seeded Michigan to send the Clones to the Sweet Sixteen for the first time ever. He never really peaked until 1994 when he packed his bags and headed for Salt Lake City. Although Hornacek never could bench press as much as Aaron Carter, he made impact in the league because of his shooting and fundamental play. He once made 67 free throws in a row (each christened with his trademark cheek touch), won the three point contestant twice, and even took home the trophy for the NBA-WNBA Tag Team Two-Ball Challenge along with Natalie Williams of the Utah Starzz (no, that's actually how it was spelled). Straight from farm country to Mormon country, this white boy used fundamentally sound basketball to cement himself as an immortal in Jazz country. Hold on, I think I hear Don "Moose" Lewis calling him up right now.



Jason Kapono
(click name for highlight video)
College: UCLA
Years In League: 2003-present
Teams: Cavaliers, Bobcats, Heat, Raptors, 76ers

Jason Kaponbro is as silky as they come. Not only is Wedding Crashers his favorite movie and DMB his artist of choice, but the man can stroke from long range like nobody's business. His least favorite activities include stepping inside of the 3-point arc and missing 3-pointers. You want titles? Kapono not only has a ring from his stint with the Heat but he is also a 2 time 3-point champion. He has also elected to rock a headband at various points throughout his career, which, in the right context, adds tremendous amounts of swag to his game. Perhaps the epitome of his whiteness came up last year when Kapono signed with the 76ers. Unable to rep his usually #24 jersey, Kapono pulled the ultimate white move and tripled it as he now dons #72. While Kapono has never put up monster numbers, he has been a fan favorite everyone he's played (including his stint north of the border) and his swan stroke is unrivaled by nearly everyone to have ever played the game of basketball.

That's all...VOTE!!

Shady Springs Region: (1) Greg Ostertag vs (4) Keith Van Horn

On to the East we move as the first matchup of the Shady Springs, WV Region features a clash of two of the absolute whitest big men that have ever graced the league. The winner will advance to play the winner of Wednesday's matchup (#2 Jeff Horncaek vs. #3 Jason Kapono) to determine the winner of the Shady Springs Regional. Once again, we remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Greg Ostertag
(click name for highlight video)
College: Kansas
Years in League: 1995-2005
Teams: Jazz, Kings

Oh. my. goodness. Where to begin with Greg Ostertag. The crafty one seed out of the Shady Springs regional is the first player featured in the tournament who quite frankly swings and misses on the concept of talent. Known around the league as "Postertag" for getting posterized so many times in his career, this 7'2" menace rocked the #00 with pride for the majority of his career alongside many other great whites in Utah. From his laser precision flat top to his tattoo of Fred Flinstone dunking on his calf, Greg Osterag practically screams white. One columnist noted after a game in 1999, "You couldn't slide a credit card under 'Tag's' vertical leap." Averaging nearly as many turnovers as points throughout his career, Ostertag will be remembered as perhaps the whitest man to not only play in the NBA, but to ever step foot on this earth.



Keith Van Horn
(click name for highlight video)
College: Utah
Years in League: 1997-2008
Teams: Nets, 76ers, Knicks, Bucks, Mavericks

Keith Van Horn is just one of those guys who was born to be a token white guy. He grew up idolizing Billy Cunningham, and he certainly made the Kangaroo Kid proud with the way he played the game. While he never played for the elite teams in the Mormon State (Cougars, Jazz), he did spend his collegiate career at Utah. He was drafted second overall and was a solid player in the league, averaging 16 points and 7 rebounds during his 11 seasons. His most important contribution, though, has to be his socks. Nothing brings out the whiteness in a player more than a good pair of knee highs. He is also known for gracing the cover of NBA Jam '99, which every self respecting person owns. Ever since he was stepped foot on the hardwood, Keith Van Horn- and his socks- did everything necessary to make certain that he would forever be remembered as a white boy legend.

VOTE!!

Provo Region : (2) Chris Mullin vs (3) Toni Kukoč

Our second matchup of the Provo Regional brings us a battle of 90s swingmen with the legendary Chris Mullin taking on The Croatian Sensation, Toni Kukoc. These two left-handed sharp shooters practically define white boy swag, but in a battle for the best, one player will have to pack their bags. The winner will face either John Stockton or Steve Blake in the West Region final. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.

Chris Mullin
(Click name for highlight video)
College: St. John's
Years in the League: 1985-2001
Teams: Warriors, Pacers

Straight out of Brooklyn, no I'm serious, Chris Mullin was one of the most dominant players in the league when he stepped on the court. After winning the Big East player of the year award 3 straight years at St. Johnny's, Mullin took the league by (red) storm with his pure left-handed stroke. As if his flat-top wasn't enough to elevate him to ultimate bro status, Chris also battled through alcoholism in the early stages of his NBA career. Meanwhile, he won two gold medals for the US of A, including 1992 on the dream team, and along with Tim Hardaway and Mitch Richmond he made the Golden State Warriors a relevant squad. Fittingly, Mullin spent the latter portion of his career as an Indiana Pacer where he continued to overcome his obvious lack of speed with hustle and above all else, white boy swaggin. Bottom line, whether it was the bottom of the bottle or the bottom of the net, Chris Mullin did work.



Toni Kukoc
(Click name for highlight video)
College: None (Croatia)
Years in the League: 1993-2006
Teams: Bulls, 76ers, Hawks, Bucks

Dubbed "The European Jordan" while playing professionally in Italy, Kukoc came into the NBA with some pretty high expectations. These were so high that he signed a 5 million dollar offer to promote Microsoft before he even came to the states. While he didn't really meet these expectations, he was pretty funny to watch on the court. Kukoc was among the first 6'11 guys to decide he wanted to play on the perimeter and shoot threes, and he looked very goofy doing this with limbs flying everywhere. He also trademarked the oversized wrist band look, which somehow never really spread. His whiteness carried far off the court, however, as he was the Croatian national table tennis champion of his age group at one point. While Kukoc's talent may have been questionable, his swag was undeniable.

That's all folks, now VOTE!

This matchup concludes the first round of the Provo, Utah-West Regional, tomorrow we will move East to cover the first matchup in the Shady Springs, WV-East Region.

Provo Region : (1) John Stockton vs (4) Steve Blake

Our 1st matchup out of the Provo, Utah-West Regional features a clash of new school and white boy point guards. The winner will advance to play the winner of tomorrow's matchup (#2 Chris Mullin #3 Toni Kukoc) to determine the winner of the Provo Regional. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title. Without further ado, our first matchup...


John Stockton
(Click name for highlight video)
Played at Gonzaga from 1980 - 1983. Drafted by Utah 16th overall, and played his entire career (1984-2003) with the Jazz. He and Karl Malone are recognized as the greatest duo to ever run the pick and roll. 10 time all star, 2 time first team all NBA, NBA 50th Anniversary all time team, 2 time Olympic gold medalist. 19,711 career points, 15,806 career assists, and 3,265 career steals. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2009.

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay. He is the godfather of white men in the league, and paved the way for modern day superstars such as Mike Miller, Kyle Korver, and Steve Blake. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.

Steve Blake
(Click name for highlight video)
College: Maryland
Years in the League: 2003-present
Teams: Wizards, Bucks, Nuggets, Blazers, Clippers, LA Blakers

While Steve Blake clearly doesn't match the talent level of Stockton, his swag is undeniable. After leading the Maryland Terps to a national title in 2002, Steve was drafted by the Wizards where he undoubtedly took some swag tips from Agent Zero Gilbert Arenas. His NBA career has been highlighted by a pair scuffles with NBA big boys Dwight Howard and Andrew Bogut, and he stuck it to the assist king Mr. John Stockton himself when he recorded 14 assists in the 1st quarter of a game back in 2009. All the while, Blake has pulled the ultimate bro-king move by wearing ankle socks his entire NBA career, and his lack of tats, sleeves, arm bands, etc only solidifies the fact he lets his white boy swag speak for itself.

There ya have it, now VOTE!

Tourney Time

It is a question that has tormented society since the dawn of time. It has started wars and ruined friendships. It has been discussed by philosophers, professors, and scout team wide receivers. Debates about this question have taken place in stadiums, on television sets, but mostly in the St Xavier Student Council Office. Of course, the question I am referring to is who is the greatest white basketball player of all time? Unfortunately, since there are just too many white basketball players to track down, we had to narrow it down to the past twenty years. Today at lunch, an elite selection committee met in secret to create a bracket of white players. After an hour of arguing, fighting, and throwing tantrums, we emerged happy with sixteen contestants. These heroes will be sent off to the four regions: Provo, Utah (West), Shady Spring, West Virginia (East), Richmond, Virginia (South), and of course, Mack, Ohio (Midwest). The Final Four will square off in legendary Farmer City, Illinois, where a king will be crowned.

The way that this tournament will work is that every day starting this weekend, Burnside and I will each write a persuasive article as to why each player deserves to advance. We will base these off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will then open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title. In the event of a tie, me, Burnside, and KFW (or since KFW will obviously no-show, most likely a selected representative from the student council office) will hold a special vote to determine the winner. This will continue until one man is left, who will be crowned champion of the white men. I'm looking forward to it as we are making history here at Mack Is Berning.