Mack is Berning: John Stockton

Showing posts with label John Stockton. Show all posts

Monday, April 18, 2011

CHAMPIONSHIP: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Brent Barry

IT'S. HERE. The tribe has spoken, and the title matchup is all set. This is for all the Tostitos, folks. Perhaps the most troubling question of the past 20 years for white men near and far will be settled in a week. Live from the gorgeous Farmer City, Illinois (population approximately 100% Caucasian) we bring to you the showdown of a lifetime. Two white legends will clash for the ultimate bragging rights as the greatest white NBA player of the past two decades. The Provo Region winner, Stockton's short shorts and crisp bounce passes will collide with Mack Region's very own champion in Barry's aerial attacks and no look passes. For one last time, we remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes will be crowned the champion.

John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.

Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!

Saturday, April 9, 2011

Farmer City FINAL 4: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Greg Ostertag

FINALLY! The day has come where the four greatest white NBA journeymen of the past two decades head to Farmer City, Illinois for one final battle to see who is the ultimate poster boy. The first of the two long awaited matchups will feature two Utah Jazz legends. We recommend you throw on a pair of shades for this matchup as it is arguably the whitest of all time. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.

John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.

Greg Ostertag
(click name for highlight video)
College: Kansas
Years in League: 1995-2005
Teams: Jazz, Kings

Oh. my. goodness. Where to begin with Greg Ostertag. The crafty one seed out of the Shady Springs regional is the first player featured in the tournament who quite frankly swings and misses on the concept of talent. Known around the league as "Postertag" for getting posterized so many times in his career, this 7'2" menace rocked the #00 with pride for the majority of his career alongside many other great whites in Utah. From his laser precision flat top to his tattoo of Fred Flinstone dunking on his calf, Greg Osterag practically screams white. One columnist noted after a game in 1999, "You couldn't slide a credit card under 'Tag's' vertical leap." Off the court, Greg was allegedly just as much of an animal and even landed himself a picture on Playgirl Magazine. Averaging nearly as many turnovers as points throughout his career, Ostertag will be remembered as perhaps the whitest man to not only play in the NBA, but to ever step foot on this earth.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Provo Region Final: (1) John Stockton vs. (2)Chris Mullin

To the 2nd round/Elite 8 we go! This Provo Regional final pits two of the most dominant players of the 90's. The winner of this short shorts duel will advance with a coveted spot in the Final 4 which will be hosted by the beautiful city of Farmer City, Illinois. Just like the 1st round, votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.

John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Chris Mullin
(Click name for highlight video)
College: St. John's
Years in the League: 1985-2001
Teams: Warriors, Pacers

Straight out of Brooklyn, no I'm serious, Chris Mullin was one of the most dominant players in the league when he stepped on the court. After winning the Big East player of the year award 3 straight years at St. Johnny's, Mullin took the league by (red) storm with his pure left-handed stroke. As if his flat-top wasn't enough to elevate him to ultimate bro status, Chris also battled through alcoholism in the early stages of his NBA career. Meanwhile, he won two gold medals for the US of A, including 1992 on the dream team, and along with Tim Hardaway and Mitch Richmond he made the Golden State Warriors a relevant squad. Fittingly, Mullin spent the latter portion of his career as an Indiana Pacer where he continued to overcome his obvious lack of speed with hustle and above all else, white boy swaggin. Bottom line, whether it was the bottom of the bottle or the bottom of the net, Chris Mullin did work.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Provo Region : (1) John Stockton vs (4) Steve Blake

Our 1st matchup out of the Provo, Utah-West Regional features a clash of new school and white boy point guards. The winner will advance to play the winner of tomorrow's matchup (#2 Chris Mullin #3 Toni Kukoc) to determine the winner of the Provo Regional. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title. Without further ado, our first matchup...

John Stockton
(Click name for highlight video)
Played at Gonzaga from 1980 - 1983. Drafted by Utah 16th overall, and played his entire career (1984-2003) with the Jazz. He and Karl Malone are recognized as the greatest duo to ever run the pick and roll. 10 time all star, 2 time first team all NBA, NBA 50th Anniversary all time team, 2 time Olympic gold medalist. 19,711 career points, 15,806 career assists, and 3,265 career steals. Inducted into the Hall of Fame in 2009.

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay. He is the godfather of white men in the league, and paved the way for modern day superstars such as Mike Miller, Kyle Korver, and Steve Blake. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.

Steve Blake
(Click name for highlight video)
College: Maryland
Years in the League: 2003-present
Teams: Wizards, Bucks, Nuggets, Blazers, Clippers, LA Blakers

While Steve Blake clearly doesn't match the talent level of Stockton, his swag is undeniable. After leading the Maryland Terps to a national title in 2002, Steve was drafted by the Wizards where he undoubtedly took some swag tips from Agent Zero Gilbert Arenas. His NBA career has been highlighted by a pair scuffles with NBA big boys Dwight Howard and Andrew Bogut, and he stuck it to the assist king Mr. John Stockton himself when he recorded 14 assists in the 1st quarter of a game back in 2009. All the while, Blake has pulled the ultimate bro-king move by wearing ankle socks his entire NBA career, and his lack of tats, sleeves, arm bands, etc only solidifies the fact he lets his white boy swag speak for itself.

There ya have it, now VOTE!