CHAMPIONSHIP: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Brent Barry

IT'S. HERE. The tribe has spoken, and the title matchup is all set. This is for all the Tostitos, folks. Perhaps the most troubling question of the past 20 years for white men near and far will be settled in a week. Live from the gorgeous Farmer City, Illinois (population approximately 100% Caucasian) we bring to you the showdown of a lifetime. Two white legends will clash for the ultimate bragging rights as the greatest white NBA player of the past two decades. The Provo Region winner, Stockton's short shorts and crisp bounce passes will collide with Mack Region's very own champion in Barry's aerial attacks and no look passes. For one last time, we remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes will be crowned the champion.


John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.



Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!

Farmer City Final 4: (1) Brent Barry vs (4) Bryant "Big Country" Reeves

Live from beautiful Farmer City, Illinois, we are proud to bring you the second Final Four matchup. Today we watch as the white man who could jump will be taking on "Big Country" Bryant Reeves in a matchup that sure has a lot of upside. It has been a long journey for these two, and one of them will be rewarded with a shot at the crown. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!


Bryant Reeves
(highlight video above)
College: Oklahoma State
Years in League: 1995-2001
Teams: Grizzlies

Looking at this guy, it's hard to think that he was once a halfway decent basketball player. Dubbed "Big Country" by a teammate at OSU while traveling on an airplane for the first time ever, Bryant Reeves is one of the whitest men on the planet. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he had never even seen a black person until he got to Oklahoma State. Just like you would expect, he lives on a ranch, got married on a farm, listens to Garth Brooks, and lists hunting and fishing as his favorite hobbies, along with destroying backboards and getting dunked on. Although you wouldn't expect it with his goofy appearance and Bobby Boucher resembling voice, he was actually pretty good until weight problems derailed his career, averaged double digits his first four seasons. Unfortunately, though, Burger King called and Big Country had to answer. Regardless, he is still a god among white people, as his teal Vancouver Grizzlies jerseys often sell for several hundred dollars on eBay. While Big Country never really quite found his home in the NBA, he will always have a home in white guys' hearts.

Mack Region Final: (1) Brent Barry vs. (2) Shawn Bradley

We continue with the Regional final matchups as we head back to the promise land of Mack, OH for this clash of white men. One made his money with aerial attacks, while the other's claim to fame was getting aerial attacked on. The winner heads off to beautiful Farmer City, Illinois to take on the winner of the Richmond, VA Region between Bryant Reeves and Kyle Korver. Just like the 1st round, votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!


Shawn Bradley
(click name for highlight video)
College: BYU
Years in League: 1993-2005
Teams: 76ers, Nets, Mavericks

Adjectives used to describe Shawn Bradley: gigantic, bitch, white. The 2nd overall pick in the 1993 draft, Bradley will always be remembered as a poster boy for white players. Measuring in at 7'6" watching him play was nothing short of comedy. While the above highlight video provides a glimpse into that aspect, Shawn also was practically a human fly swatter. Among some of his whitest attributes, Bradley attended Brigham Young University and lists his favorite movie as Dances with the Wolves. As far as swag, nothing does wonders for this quite like a star role in the greatest movie of all-time, Space Jam. While sure people are quick to label Bradley as one of the biggest busts in the history of sports, white men near and far will never be ashamed to salute our gentle giant of a brother.

Mack Region: (1) Brent Barry vs. (4) Mike Miller

FINALLY! The region you have all been waiting for which just so happens to feature my pre-tourney pick to bring home the title. Our first matchup of the Mack, Ohio-Midwest Region features two long-haired whities, each known for their aerial attacks in different respects. The winner will advance to the final of the Midwest Region. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!

Mike Miller
(click name for highlight video)
College: Florida
Years in League: 2000-Present
Teams: Magic, Grizzlies, Timberwolves, Wizards, Heat

The fifth overall pick in the legendary 2000 NBA Draft, Miller has actually outshined everyone else from that first round, including the legendary Stromile Swift, Marcus Fizer, and DerMarr Johnson. This South Dakota native wasted no time making a name for himself by being named Rookie of the Year. He is best known for raining threes, dramatically flopping every time he drives to the basket, and being called an "unathletic white guy" by LeBron James. Miller's signature has always been his hair, though. He followed in the footsteps of John Stamos and Kenny Powers by effectively rocking a mullet for most of his career. As for his swag off the court, he is the owner of a pet monkey. An unathletic white guy from South Dakota with a mullet? The NBA certainly needs a few more of those.

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