Four Weeks Deep

Before giving you all you can handle and more in regards the first 4 weeks of the Redlegs 2011 campaign, Mack is Berning would first like to congratulate Mr. Brent Barry (my-pre-tourney-pick-to-win-it-all-cough-cough) on claiming the hardware as the greatest white NBA player of the last 20 years. The tourney itself was one of the best ideas since dental floss, and matchups provided white men near and far with hope that just maybe one day they could rep the J-A-Z-Z across their chest, and a foolish batch of others the hope they too could throw down from the free throw line. Moooooving on, those Cincinnati Redlegs...

After a shmokin' hot 5-0 start, the Reds have systematically shit themselves since. They now stand at a mediocre 11-11 record, including 8 losses in their last 11 contests. With that said, the Reds are only 1 GB and its only April folks. As our former colleague Kevin Frey Wannabe and professional tweeter (@MGBerningJr...don't follow him) stated via a social network source, "The Reds had 4 mediocre/.500 months in 2010 and 2 months they couldn't lose. Looking forward to the start of May but in the mean time gotta take care of business this last week of April."


While leading the league in runs to this point, there are still some offensive complaints I'd like to file. For one, and I've said it since last year, JONNY GOMES IS GARBAGE! Having him in the cleanup spot absolutely kills the offense. The Reds could throw anyone on the squad up there to swing for the fences three times in a row. I honestly don't care that he leads the team in HR and RBI, a .212 average (.181 with RISP) just isn't gonna cut it. I love the energy and attitude Gomes brings to the team, but bat him 6th or 7th and throw some starts Heisey's way for cripes sake! Stubbs has been solid leading off, and Bruce had the same slow start last year, so that doesn't bother me. With these 4 guys patrolling the outfield and playing to their capability, the Reds not only have one of the best offensive outfields in the league, but also defensively this group is beyond solid.


Votto and Phillips are just doing their thing. Expect All-Star appearances and gold gloves for the best right side of the infield in the league. As far as the left side goes, strictly mediocre. You really can't expect much out of a Janish/Renteria tandem, and the aging Rolen's recent trip to the DL will give Chris Valaika another shot at the big league scene, so we'll see what he's made of in the coming weeks. I don't see Scotty being around much longer, so Valaika's development could be crucial. The Reds boast the 5th best defense in the majors to this point, but it's that pitching I'll tell ya what...

Coming into this year, the Reds rotation looked dirtier than ever. Early trips to the DL by Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey tested the depth of the rotation, and the Reds haven't responded very well to the challenge. Their leader in wins is an alleged criminal, and their once automatic set-up man Nick Masset was only weeks ago a worldwide trend on twitter after blowing his fourth straight game. Volquez is sure to come around if he can cope with his mind games, and you know what Arroyo will give you in the end (200+ innings, 15 or so wins, 4 ERA, etc etc) and the imminent return of Cueto and Bailey are certainly positives for a thus far less than stellar staff. They have turned in quality starts in 11/22 games, but there's no doubt this rotation is underachieving.


Look for a turnaround as the year goes on and the Reds look to clinch another division title. With the exception of Masset's early struggles, the bullpen has been nails. Aroldis is really coming into his own, and Logan Ondrusek has been doing quality work out of the pen. It really comes down to the starting pitching keeping this squad in games. As we already know the offense and defense are gonna do their thing, it's just up to the pitching keep the team competitive.

With all the young talent the organization has, don't be surprised if this is the year the Reds put together a package of youngsters to get an ace for the playoff push. This is a very good team. They hit, field, and run with the best of em, and if the staff comes around, see ya later NL Central. For now, let's just worry about sticking it to the Brew Crew and taking back 1st place. Let's go Redlegs, I'm outtie.,

CHAMPIONSHIP: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Brent Barry

IT'S. HERE. The tribe has spoken, and the title matchup is all set. This is for all the Tostitos, folks. Perhaps the most troubling question of the past 20 years for white men near and far will be settled in a week. Live from the gorgeous Farmer City, Illinois (population approximately 100% Caucasian) we bring to you the showdown of a lifetime. Two white legends will clash for the ultimate bragging rights as the greatest white NBA player of the past two decades. The Provo Region winner, Stockton's short shorts and crisp bounce passes will collide with Mack Region's very own champion in Barry's aerial attacks and no look passes. For one last time, we remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes will be crowned the champion.


John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.



Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!

Farmer City Final 4: (1) Brent Barry vs (4) Bryant "Big Country" Reeves

Live from beautiful Farmer City, Illinois, we are proud to bring you the second Final Four matchup. Today we watch as the white man who could jump will be taking on "Big Country" Bryant Reeves in a matchup that sure has a lot of upside. It has been a long journey for these two, and one of them will be rewarded with a shot at the crown. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!


Bryant Reeves
(highlight video above)
College: Oklahoma State
Years in League: 1995-2001
Teams: Grizzlies

Looking at this guy, it's hard to think that he was once a halfway decent basketball player. Dubbed "Big Country" by a teammate at OSU while traveling on an airplane for the first time ever, Bryant Reeves is one of the whitest men on the planet. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he had never even seen a black person until he got to Oklahoma State. Just like you would expect, he lives on a ranch, got married on a farm, listens to Garth Brooks, and lists hunting and fishing as his favorite hobbies, along with destroying backboards and getting dunked on. Although you wouldn't expect it with his goofy appearance and Bobby Boucher resembling voice, he was actually pretty good until weight problems derailed his career, averaged double digits his first four seasons. Unfortunately, though, Burger King called and Big Country had to answer. Regardless, he is still a god among white people, as his teal Vancouver Grizzlies jerseys often sell for several hundred dollars on eBay. While Big Country never really quite found his home in the NBA, he will always have a home in white guys' hearts.

Farmer City FINAL 4: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Greg Ostertag

FINALLY! The day has come where the four greatest white NBA journeymen of the past two decades head to Farmer City, Illinois for one final battle to see who is the ultimate poster boy. The first of the two long awaited matchups will feature two Utah Jazz legends. We recommend you throw on a pair of shades for this matchup as it is arguably the whitest of all time. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.