Relentless: The 2011 NBA Draft

While March Madness ranks as my favorite sporting event of the year, the NBA Draft is a very close second. The generic terms, stellar broadcasting crew, and outrageous draft day wardrobes add to the overall upside of the draft. This year is widely considered to be the worst since the Kenyon Martin-Stromile Swift debacle of 2000. Of course Cleveland is lucky enough to pick first in this draft. Jon Barry tells them that "If you believe Kyrie Irving is the best player in the draft, you take him. If it's Derrick Williams, you take him." Uh, thanks Jon. As far as I'm concerned, both of these guys have huge risk factors. Kyrie played well, but he did miss three quarters of the season. Also, is there any doubt that Irving is nowhere near what John Wall was as a prospect? With the way Wall struggled this year, you have to be a little nervous about how he's going to play this year. Williams on the other hand, has a little bit of a Michael Beasley tweener factor going. However, Jay Bilas was quick to mention that his wingspan more than makes up for that.

The next five picks of the draft brought us the foreigner/overvalued guy from Texas who didn't accomplish much in college and won't be very good in the pros phase. The highlights had to be Enes Kanter joining the only team in the league with multiple Turks, and Jan Vesely's girlfriend. You gotta love how after Dirk wins Finals MVP, teams go overboard trying to find his second coming, not realizing that for every Dirk or Tony Parker, there are a dozen Darko Milicics, Pavel Podkolzins, or Nikoloz Tskitishvilis. Kanter is a guy I actually like, though, mainly because of the way white guys thrive in Utah. He's joining a team that already includes Andrei Kirilenko, Mehmet Okur, Kyrylo Fesenko, and Gordon Hayward. On a serious note, I really think that Utah has one of the best collection of bigs in the NBA. They have Al Jefferson (19 pts, 10 reb), Paul Millsap (17 and 8), Mehmet Okur (former all star), Derrick Favors, and Enes Kanter (the last two #3 picks). Pretty solid core to build around. The Raptors snag Lithuanian center Jonas Valanciunas to their global roster that includes players from France, Brazil, Italy, and Spain. Next we get to Jan Vesely, one of my new favorite NBA players. From his kiss to his calling out of Blake Griffin, he is the first European in NBA history to have a personality. Not really sure what he can do on the court, but he will definitely be popular. Bismack Biyombo went 7th to Charlotte despite the fact that he has no offensive skills whatsoever, and nobody knows how old he is. I personally see him as a cross between Hasheem Thabeet and Saer Sene.

Next up is the point guard trio of Brandon Knight, Kemba Walker, and JIMMER. First prediction: Brandon Knight is going to come into the league with a major chip on his shoulder from being passed up in favor of guys named Enes, Tristan, Jonas, and Jan, and will win Rookie of the Year in Detroit. Charlotte grabbed Kemba, which was probably a good pick as they needed someone with proven skills after grabbing the King of Upside, and trading any nearly every decent player on the roster. Jimmer unfortunately will not be playing in Utah, which breaks my heart. His biggest problem will be the culture shock of the California lifestyle, especially if the Kings make the expected move to Anaheim in 2012. For some reason, I can't see Jimmer and Orange County going well together. He'll be in Utah where he belongs in 2 years.

Two of my favorite players in the draft went next at 11 and 12 in Klay Thompson and Alec Burks. Of course it makes no sense for Golden State to pick a sharpshooting two guard, but he is a good player offensively at least. The more I think about it, the Warriors could potentially be the first NBA team in history to average 125 points per game and still have a losing record. The Jazz were unable to get a white guy with their second pick, so at least they got tattoo-less Alec "Not Jimmer" Burks from Colorado.

The rest of the draft was not quite as eventful, but still featured the Morris twins going back to back (including Markieff going to Phoenix, the team that swung and missed on Robin Lopez and Taylor Griffin), Kawhi Leonard (a legitimate future all star who should have gone top 10) getting drafted and traded so IUPUI legend George Hill could return home, the Knicks booing yet another pick, and Jordan Hamilton falling at an Aaron Rodgers-esque pace. Denver got Kenneth "Relentless" Faried, who prompted this Jay Bilas quote: "He's just a relentless player. You can't teach relentless. You don't have to say, Kenneth you need to be more relentless, because he's already so relentless." Relentless. Duke legend Nolan Smith also went to Portland in this range, easily the biggest reach of the draft. You know you made a bad pick when the draft analysts talk about "what a good citizen" he is. Miami went a step further torturing Cavs fans by landing hometown hero Norris Cole from Cleveland St.

All in all, while the caliber of the players in this draft sucked, it was still just as entertaining as ever. Watching future busts get raved about by Jay "Wingspan" Bilas, Dickie V going on 70 second on camera rants from his living room, and Spike Lee booing another busted pick by the Knicks just never gets old. Only 364 days until David Stern gets back up on that podium.

The Custodian Wiping Up Miami

First off congratulations to the Dallas Mavericks. The Heat will surely win several titles before it's all said and done (sorry, Dan Gilbert), but for now it is good to finally get some new(white) blood in championship row. Before I get to my main point of this article I have to say something about Miami and their failures. I thought I covered this last summer, but the reactions from Gilbert and Cleveland just keep getting more pathetic. There has never been a fan base bandwagon on another team like this, but I guess when your city hasn't won a title in decades and surely won't for many more years, you have to live with moral victories like this.

OK, finally for the actual article. I love Dirk and all, but lets be honest. He has no business receiving the Finals MVP Award that clearly should belong to Brian "The Custodian" Cardinal. Obviously pissed about being left out of the Mack Is Berning White Man Tournament, Cardinal came into the playoffs with one goal: To prove that he is the whitest basketball player alive. Appearance is definitely a check as The Custodian trots onto the court everyday sporting a pair of knee pads that were probably designed for roller skaters. Add to that his bald head and general goofy demeanor, and he looks like he would be much more comfortable in a YMCA rec league.

Nicknames are very common in sports, but very rarely does a nickname describe an athlete the way "The Custodian" does for Brian Cardinal. The man does more dirty work than anyone else. I would not be the least surprised to find out that he actually works as a janitor for the Mavericks locker room and arena on the side. He takes charges (or at least tries to), fouls hard, dives after loose balls, and tries to swipe inbound passes. By my calculations, he spends 44 seconds on the floor for every minute he plays, which is tops in the league. In the 2009-2010 season with Minnesota, Cardinal averaged more fouls (1.9) than points (1.7) per game, putting him in an elite club with legends like Greg Ostertag, Manute Bol, and Charles Oakley. This is not even mentioning the energy he puts into cheering when he's not in. Cardinal always sits on the end of the bench with Peja and jumps up and screams every time Shawn Marion deflects a pass out of bounds, or Tyson Chandler grabs a defensive rebound. When the scuffle broke out between Mario Chalmers and DeShawn Stevenson, you know The Custodian was the first one sprinting over to break it up. All that passion, and he stills leads the league in sportsmanship.

I wrote this tribute to Brian Cardinal not only because he is white, but also because I wanted to give credit to guys coming off the bench who are usually overlooked. As a former scout team wide receiver, I identify well with players like them. The depth of the Mavericks was a huge advantage in the series, and without guys like JJ Barea, Ian Mahinmi, and Cardinal stepping up, they would not have won. So when you're watching ESPN and hearing the analysts only talk about Dirk, or maybe ESPN2 with Jemele Hill complaining about how the league rigged the series against the team with more black people, remember that in order to win, you need more than just superstars, and more than just a strong starting five. You need guys like Brian Cardinal.

Don't Mess With Dallas

Let me start off by making this very clear. I did not just see Dallas get hot and all of a sudden hop on the bandwagon like many other people. I didn't pick them just because they blazed past the Blazers and dominated the Lakers. I respect Dallas and am rooting for them because I love watching the way they play basketball. Of course, once the season ends, I will be a full time fan of the Jazz/whatever team moves to Anaheim. With that said, here are my thoughts:

Let's start off at the top with the owner, Mark Cuban. This is a guy that gets criticized a lot, but honestly is a great owner who players want to play for. He is one of the few that really cares about his team and his players, not just the profits they make for him. The fact that the Mavs' winning percentage has increased nearly 30% since he bought the team doesn't hurt, either. The model for building the team has been impressive as well, and Cuban and GM Donnie Nelson deserve a lot of credit for that. While most teams have following Oklahoma City's model and loaded up on young players and draft picks, Dallas has snatched up experienced veterans for cheap contracts. In fact, ten of the fifteen players on the roster have been in the league for at least eight years. This team is a group of vets who have been around the block, and are hungry for a championship.

Obviously, the first person to come to mind when you think of this Mavericks team is Dirk. I fully believe that nobody on the planet wants an NBA Championship ring as bad as Dirk Nowitzki does this year. The man has been named MVP, gone to ten All Star games, and the Three Point Contest, but has never won the big one. If his performance against Oklahoma City in Game 1 was any indication, he is determined to finally win it all. What makes the team fun to watch is how everyone plays like that. Jason Kidd, Shawn "The Matrix" Marion, and Tyson Chandler are all big name players who have had a lot of success, just not in the Finals. These players are the guys to trust deep in the playoffs.

The biggest reason that the Mavs are so popular, other than their highly proportional amount of Europeans, is that it is fun to watch teams shoot lights out. Watching Jason Terry and Peja make it rain never gets old. Combine that with an unselfish distributing point guard and a seven footer who can spread the court, and you can put on a great show. There is also the fundamentals factor which makes them more appealing. Had he not been a foreigner, it would have brought a tear to the eye of Moose Lewis seeing Dirk knock down free throw after free throw (24 in a row, actually) in Game 1.

In conclusion, I will be honest. While I think Dallas will take out OKC, I realize that they might struggle in the finals, as both Chicago and Miami create some serious matchup problems (Wade for the Heat and Rose for the Bulls, particularly), and they conceivably could just be out of their league. Either way, though, this is a very fun team to watch, and one that seemingly impossible to root against. Unfortunately, as we have seen with teams like Phoenix and Detroit, people age quickly in the NBA, and teams loaded with veterans are very questionable in the long term. This could very well be the last season that this core group of players plays this well, and I suggest we just enjoy it.

NBA (Delayed) Playoff Preview

First off I want to apologize for the delay, but due to Brent Barry's William Tecumseh Sherman-esque run through the bracket, I had to wait an extra round to post this. With that said, a lot has happened since then. The Celtics rolled, Miami and Chicago escaped, and Dallas avoided the upset that everyone predicted. Oh yeah, and in the words of the great Kristin Cavallari, the top seeded Spurs are officially dunzo.

Let's start out in LA where the Lakeshow struggled a bit against the David West-less New Orleans Hornets. After starting the series off 2-2 and letting Chris Paul torch their defense, Phil and Kobe got the squad under control by ripping off back to back blowout wins to end the series. Now with the top seeded Spurs eliminated, LA has to be the heavy favorite to make it out of the West. First, they get Dallas, who may be without Caron Butler (who conveniently would be guarding Kobe.) Dallas has a better shot at keeping the Lakers in check down low with Tyson Chandler, Brendan Haywood, and of course, Dirk Nowitzki. However, their perimeter defense will struggle against Bryant, Artest, and Fisher. If nothing else, go with the Lakers just because betting against Kobe and Phil is never a good idea.

The other series out West pits Memphis and OKC against each other. The Thunder made headlines by trading for Kendrick Perkins in an attempt to bolster their frontcourt. It actually looked really good as they cruised past Denver in the first round. Memphis, however, is going to be much tougher as K-Mart and Nene aren't even worthy of holding Zach Randolph's jock the way he has been playing. Randolph put the team on his back with 31 points and 11 rebounds in the series clinching win over San Antonio. The Thunder better be ready to fight if they plan on shutting him down. Shane Battier is also going to be crucial with his perimeter defense against Durant. Kevin Durant has been lights out and is proving himself as an elite player in the league. Battier and Tony Allen are going to have their work cut out for them trying to put the clamps down.

On the other side of the bracket, Chicago came in to the playoffs as the consensus favorite to win the title, but now look very vulnerable after getting a tough battle from Indiana. One thing that Chicago has going for them is the best point guard in the league, Derrick Rose. The former number one pick averaged nearly 30 points a game while dominating the Pacers backcourt. The only concern seems to be shooting, as he shot 21% from behind the arc, looking awful in Game 1 (0-9) and Game 4 (1-9). Luckily, they have Kyle Korver for that. Chicago is going to have to exploit its rebounding advantage it has on paper with Atlanta 28th in the league. If Boozer and Noah control the boards again, the Bulls should have no problem here.

Finally, we have the main event, Celtics vs Heat. This is a perfect rivalry as it has blue-collar Boston taking on flashy South Beach. When these two teams take the court, they will have a combined 80 all star appearances between them. While he has taken a lot of criticism, LeBron will be the best player in the series. He has some unfinished business after being eliminated by the Celtics last year, and needs to execute better in crunch time, or they may end up looking like the Knicks. Kevin Garnett played a big part in the last series, and while he is definitely getting older, he is still the emotional leader of the team, and is capable of making a huge impact. Mike Bibby is a player who is going to need to step up for Miami, as his three point shooting could be a big factor. He struggled big time against Philly, and at the very least will need to knock down a few open jumpers.

Four Weeks Deep

Before giving you all you can handle and more in regards the first 4 weeks of the Redlegs 2011 campaign, Mack is Berning would first like to congratulate Mr. Brent Barry (my-pre-tourney-pick-to-win-it-all-cough-cough) on claiming the hardware as the greatest white NBA player of the last 20 years. The tourney itself was one of the best ideas since dental floss, and matchups provided white men near and far with hope that just maybe one day they could rep the J-A-Z-Z across their chest, and a foolish batch of others the hope they too could throw down from the free throw line. Moooooving on, those Cincinnati Redlegs...

After a shmokin' hot 5-0 start, the Reds have systematically shit themselves since. They now stand at a mediocre 11-11 record, including 8 losses in their last 11 contests. With that said, the Reds are only 1 GB and its only April folks. As our former colleague Kevin Frey Wannabe and professional tweeter (@MGBerningJr...don't follow him) stated via a social network source, "The Reds had 4 mediocre/.500 months in 2010 and 2 months they couldn't lose. Looking forward to the start of May but in the mean time gotta take care of business this last week of April."


While leading the league in runs to this point, there are still some offensive complaints I'd like to file. For one, and I've said it since last year, JONNY GOMES IS GARBAGE! Having him in the cleanup spot absolutely kills the offense. The Reds could throw anyone on the squad up there to swing for the fences three times in a row. I honestly don't care that he leads the team in HR and RBI, a .212 average (.181 with RISP) just isn't gonna cut it. I love the energy and attitude Gomes brings to the team, but bat him 6th or 7th and throw some starts Heisey's way for cripes sake! Stubbs has been solid leading off, and Bruce had the same slow start last year, so that doesn't bother me. With these 4 guys patrolling the outfield and playing to their capability, the Reds not only have one of the best offensive outfields in the league, but also defensively this group is beyond solid.


Votto and Phillips are just doing their thing. Expect All-Star appearances and gold gloves for the best right side of the infield in the league. As far as the left side goes, strictly mediocre. You really can't expect much out of a Janish/Renteria tandem, and the aging Rolen's recent trip to the DL will give Chris Valaika another shot at the big league scene, so we'll see what he's made of in the coming weeks. I don't see Scotty being around much longer, so Valaika's development could be crucial. The Reds boast the 5th best defense in the majors to this point, but it's that pitching I'll tell ya what...

Coming into this year, the Reds rotation looked dirtier than ever. Early trips to the DL by Johnny Cueto and Homer Bailey tested the depth of the rotation, and the Reds haven't responded very well to the challenge. Their leader in wins is an alleged criminal, and their once automatic set-up man Nick Masset was only weeks ago a worldwide trend on twitter after blowing his fourth straight game. Volquez is sure to come around if he can cope with his mind games, and you know what Arroyo will give you in the end (200+ innings, 15 or so wins, 4 ERA, etc etc) and the imminent return of Cueto and Bailey are certainly positives for a thus far less than stellar staff. They have turned in quality starts in 11/22 games, but there's no doubt this rotation is underachieving.


Look for a turnaround as the year goes on and the Reds look to clinch another division title. With the exception of Masset's early struggles, the bullpen has been nails. Aroldis is really coming into his own, and Logan Ondrusek has been doing quality work out of the pen. It really comes down to the starting pitching keeping this squad in games. As we already know the offense and defense are gonna do their thing, it's just up to the pitching keep the team competitive.

With all the young talent the organization has, don't be surprised if this is the year the Reds put together a package of youngsters to get an ace for the playoff push. This is a very good team. They hit, field, and run with the best of em, and if the staff comes around, see ya later NL Central. For now, let's just worry about sticking it to the Brew Crew and taking back 1st place. Let's go Redlegs, I'm outtie.,

CHAMPIONSHIP: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Brent Barry

IT'S. HERE. The tribe has spoken, and the title matchup is all set. This is for all the Tostitos, folks. Perhaps the most troubling question of the past 20 years for white men near and far will be settled in a week. Live from the gorgeous Farmer City, Illinois (population approximately 100% Caucasian) we bring to you the showdown of a lifetime. Two white legends will clash for the ultimate bragging rights as the greatest white NBA player of the past two decades. The Provo Region winner, Stockton's short shorts and crisp bounce passes will collide with Mack Region's very own champion in Barry's aerial attacks and no look passes. For one last time, we remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes will be crowned the champion.


John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.



Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!

Farmer City Final 4: (1) Brent Barry vs (4) Bryant "Big Country" Reeves

Live from beautiful Farmer City, Illinois, we are proud to bring you the second Final Four matchup. Today we watch as the white man who could jump will be taking on "Big Country" Bryant Reeves in a matchup that sure has a lot of upside. It has been a long journey for these two, and one of them will be rewarded with a shot at the crown. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!


Bryant Reeves
(highlight video above)
College: Oklahoma State
Years in League: 1995-2001
Teams: Grizzlies

Looking at this guy, it's hard to think that he was once a halfway decent basketball player. Dubbed "Big Country" by a teammate at OSU while traveling on an airplane for the first time ever, Bryant Reeves is one of the whitest men on the planet. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he had never even seen a black person until he got to Oklahoma State. Just like you would expect, he lives on a ranch, got married on a farm, listens to Garth Brooks, and lists hunting and fishing as his favorite hobbies, along with destroying backboards and getting dunked on. Although you wouldn't expect it with his goofy appearance and Bobby Boucher resembling voice, he was actually pretty good until weight problems derailed his career, averaged double digits his first four seasons. Unfortunately, though, Burger King called and Big Country had to answer. Regardless, he is still a god among white people, as his teal Vancouver Grizzlies jerseys often sell for several hundred dollars on eBay. While Big Country never really quite found his home in the NBA, he will always have a home in white guys' hearts.

Farmer City FINAL 4: (1) John Stockton vs. (1) Greg Ostertag

FINALLY! The day has come where the four greatest white NBA journeymen of the past two decades head to Farmer City, Illinois for one final battle to see who is the ultimate poster boy. The first of the two long awaited matchups will feature two Utah Jazz legends. We recommend you throw on a pair of shades for this matchup as it is arguably the whitest of all time. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


John Stockton
(click name for highlight video)
College: Gonzaga
Years in League: 1984-2003
Teams: Jazz

Playing his career right around the time that NBA execs realized that they were better off signing athletic black guys, Stockton made a statement to the league that white men were here to stay, thus becoming the godfather of white men in the league. He played his entire career in Utah, and is worshiped all over the state. Visitors can check out his statue in front of Energy Solutions Arena while driving on John Stockton Drive. His pick and rolls with Karl Malone (and occasionally Greg Ostertag) became the essence of fundamentally sound basketball. He also repped Team USA by winning two gold medals for the greatest country ever. Not only was Stockton one of the greatest basketball players ever, but he was arguably the whitest. In the early 90s, Michigan's Fab Five revolutionized the basketball world with their long, baggy shorts. This quickly caught on, and by the middle of the decade, just about everyone in the NBA was wearing them. Not John Stockton. Stockton pulled the ultimate white boy swag move by rocking short shorts long after everyone else went baggy. He was dominating opponents with fundamentally sound basketball while wearing short shorts in the middle of Mormon country. Not sure how you get more white than that.

Richmond Region Final: (3) Kyle Korver vs. (4) Bryant Reeves

Our final matchup of the second round brings us a unique contrast in styles. Sharpshooter Kyle Korver takes on oaf Bryant "Big Country" Reeves to determine the winner of the Richmond Region and who moves on to join an elite quartet in fantastic Farmer City, Illinois. We remind you the votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Kyle Korver
(click for highlight video)
College: Creighton
Years in League: 2003-Present
Teams: 76ers, Jazz, Bulls

You know Kyle Korver is checking in when you hear a loud, high-pitched scream erupt from every woman in attendance. This 6'7 god of a man from Pella, Iowa has become a favorite among white guys everywhere, although probably not as much as he is among white girls. The Ashton Kutcher look alike has made a business knocking down long range shots in the league. A cold blooded shooter, Korver repeatedly knocks down clutch jumpers everywhere he goes, even breaking fellow white boy Steve Kerr's record for three point shooting percentage in a season. And how about the athleticism? Yeah, he's got that covered also. And for his whiteness? His hobbies include ping pong, bowling, horseshoes, croquet, pool, Frisbee golf, and dodgeball. Its not every day you see an Ashton Kutcher look alike who plays Frisbee golf going around breaking NBA records. Enough said, vote Korver.



Bryant Reeves
(highlight video above)
College: Oklahoma State
Years in League: 1995-2001
Teams: Grizzlies

Looking at this guy, it's hard to think that he was once a halfway decent basketball player. Dubbed "Big Country" by a teammate at OSU while traveling on an airplane for the first time ever, Bryant Reeves is one of the whitest men on the planet. As a matter of fact, I'm fairly certain he had never even seen a black person until he got to Oklahoma State. Just like you would expect, he lives on a ranch, got married on a farm, listens to Garth Brooks, and lists hunting and fishing as his favorite hobbies, along with destroying backboards and getting dunked on. Although you wouldn't expect it with his goofy appearance and Bobby Boucher resembling voice, he was actually pretty good until weight problems derailed his career, averaged double digits his first four seasons. Unfortunately, though, Burger King called and Big Country had to answer. Regardless, he is still a god among white people, as his teal Vancouver Grizzlies jerseys often sell for several hundred dollars on eBay. While Big Country never really quite found his home in the NBA, he will always have a home in white guys' hearts.

Mack Region Final: (1) Brent Barry vs. (2) Shawn Bradley

We continue with the Regional final matchups as we head back to the promise land of Mack, OH for this clash of white men. One made his money with aerial attacks, while the other's claim to fame was getting aerial attacked on. The winner heads off to beautiful Farmer City, Illinois to take on the winner of the Richmond, VA Region between Bryant Reeves and Kyle Korver. Just like the 1st round, votes should be based off of ability to play fundamentally sound basketball, goofiness, upside, and most importantly, token white boy swag. A poll will open up on the right hand column for the next seven days. At the end of the week, the player with more votes obviously moves one step closer to the title.


Brent Barry
(click name for highlight video)
College: Oregon St.
Years in League: 1995-2009
Teams: Clippers, Bulls, Heat, Supersonics, Spurs, Rockets

In case you were ignorant enough to not view the above highlight video, please do it. For all you skeptics, Brent is in fact 100% Caucasian and could jump across the Grand Canyon. The fact he won the dunking contest makes him a God of whites, but let's not forget that much like every other decent white man to ever grace the league, Brent could make it purr from long range. Barry defied any and every stereotype about white players with his high flying slams and Pistol Pete Maravich-esque dish outs. I'd go so far as to say Brent may have had too much swag on the court. Off the court...well let's just say his woman is finer than Eva Longoria (just ask Tony Parker). Needless to say, Brent Barry shrines are rampant in Mack. All in all, Brent will always be remembered as the man who played a little role reversal and broke the color barrier for whites to participate in aerial activity in the NBA. All hail!


Shawn Bradley
(click name for highlight video)
College: BYU
Years in League: 1993-2005
Teams: 76ers, Nets, Mavericks

Adjectives used to describe Shawn Bradley: gigantic, bitch, white. The 2nd overall pick in the 1993 draft, Bradley will always be remembered as a poster boy for white players. Measuring in at 7'6" watching him play was nothing short of comedy. While the above highlight video provides a glimpse into that aspect, Shawn also was practically a human fly swatter. Among some of his whitest attributes, Bradley attended Brigham Young University and lists his favorite movie as Dances with the Wolves. As far as swag, nothing does wonders for this quite like a star role in the greatest movie of all-time, Space Jam. While sure people are quick to label Bradley as one of the biggest busts in the history of sports, white men near and far will never be ashamed to salute our gentle giant of a brother.